Sunday, 10 May 2015

May the sodding 10th

Well my friends, today marks the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. The worst. I've had a rough upbringing, I've been cheated on, I've had a stroke, I have been diagnosed with ms. But may the sodding tenth marks the single worst day. Nothing, not a single thing can possibly come close to this day last year.
      We had just unexpectedly found out about choppers, honestly never expected to have another one (see age gap) Mr. doodles&choppers being the worrier he is, fears I may suffer with pnd again, or maybe I might have a complicated pregnancy. Is he too old to have another one? I knew the second that second line appeared i was a mum again. In that second I felt this unequivocal wanting for this baby. (Don't worry that feeling came later for daddy) but in that moment I knew. We just had to tell doodles, and the world & it would be real.
     We brought a new sister card, we signed it from the baby, we gave it to doodles. In 8 years of her life I had never seen tears of happiness from her! She was delighted. A real life baby brother or sister to have as her own, she was ready to teach play and nurture!
      Then it was may the tenth. Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps, brings me tears and a complete feeling of overwhelming sadness. Now readers, these things I've never uttered to anyone, they are real and they are graphic. I only warn you of this now to save you any disgust, any real pain, I mask my world and my heartache through humour and silly names but tonight to mark this horrible anniversary I will be as real as I can be.
       I sent mr d&c off to work, I sat on the sofa with doodles drinking a coffee and talking about her new favourite subject, her brand new baby brother or sister. We watched a movie and giggled at the silly jokes and sung along. Then I felt this huge pop, and it was like I had wet myself, all I could think as I got up was 'fucking pregnancy mixed with ms what have I got myself in for?!' I just about made it too the bathroom before things started to go black, I could her doodles calling for me with growing concern, for you see my first born is petrified of blood and I had just managed to leave a trail of it through the house. I don't think I've ever seen so much blood that wasn't on a film and then this excruciating pain took over and as I looked down and saw pools of blood at my feet I knew I had lost the baby. I stripped off and then I definitely knew I had lost a baby. I shouted for doodles to grab me my phone, I told her I was fine and to go sit down. I called the mr.. I wanted to be so calm, so reassuring, so ok. I was a wreck by the time he answered and all I could say was I'm losing his baby, I'm bleeding and I'm scared. I was just hysterical. He ran, literally ran, home. We got in an ambulance I could feel the blood dripping down my legs. They made me wait with all the people, I remember wanting to scream that I should be first, I needed to be seen. But deep down I was thinking what they were thinking, the baby was lost and no amount of queue jumping would change that. After 20 minutes I told Mr. d&c that I wanted to go home, I tried in the nicest way to tell him that a scan was unnecessary, I had already seen our baby, I saw him and he wouldn't be on the screen. I don't know how he convinced me to wait it out when I just wanted to curl up in my bed and sob, but somehow we got to the sonographer. Just the look in my eyes told them there was no baby left. They needed to make sure that he was all gone I guess. I laid down and she put the probe on my belly, i looked at my little family waiting for news, little hopeful faces as I silently prayed she would break the news nicely infront of doodles, that she would find some words of comfort because lord knows I didn't know how to explain to them that I had failed. Then there was a heartbeat. Strong & continuous. The nurses even started to cry, there was my baby strong and bold, healthy, happy & safe. I didn't even care what happened, she was there and all was well, that's all that mattered. We were out of there like a shot and all was great.
       That was until I replayed it in my head, I had held that baby in my hands that morning, I know what happened, I saw it, I felt it. I checked the scan pictures, there was a big black space next to my baby. Eventually I asked a midwife who told me losing a twin early in the pregnancy isn't uncommon.   And in that short sentence I completely understood.
        So today on may the sodding tenth, I mark something horrific, a lost sweet innocent baby. It's bittersweet really and as I lay here with my surviving twin, my angelic little choppers and I hear my gorgeous little doodles snoring quietly I know absolutely that two is not enough, as I am already a mum of three! One just grew their wings a too early.
          Fly high sweetheart, I love you.

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